Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Magic 8 Ball MeMe

I was honored to be tagged by Julie DeGuia in the Magic 8 Ball MeMe.  Thanks Julie!

The rules are:
1. Post the button and link to Jaycee deLorenzo (following would be nice, but not required).  Jaycee was the creator of the Magic 8 Ball MeMe

2. Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you're struggling with, are stuck on, or just can't "get right." 

3. Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as "What do you think?" or something more in-depth, such as "Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such," or "How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?"

4. Tag 8 people.

I have to admit I've never shared any excerpts from my WIPs before.  I'm nervous!!!
I started my first novel a couple months ago and ran into a dead end.  While waiting for inspiration, I started 2 others with new ideas that came to me.  Currently, I seem to be bouncing between the 3 with whatever I come up with.  

This is an excerpt from the first story which takes place in a small mountain town in NC.  Josie just graduated from college and is working at a diner in her home town over the summer because she can't find a job.  Rick is the nephew of a local, Tom, who is in town for the summer to help renovate an old lodge in town.

“Good morning”, Josie called as non-chalantly as she could when she heard the bells ring on the door.  Her pulse began racing.  Tom and Rick walked in and headed to the corner booth.  Now, she could see why everyone in town seemed to be talking about Rick.  He was gorgeous!  

Josie had to concentrate to keep her knees from knocking out of control as she took each step towards their booth.
“What can I get for ya?” she forced, trying to calm herself down by first asking Tom. 

 “I’ll just have the special today”, Tom answered, looking up at her with a slight smile.    He seemed to find it amusing that she was losing control.

Rick, however, didn't seem surprised by her reaction.  He was apparently used to being admired.  She usually hated guys like Rick, full of conceit, but there was something about the way he looked at her that sent her over the edge.  Those green eyes sparkled, bringing out his tan, marking the hours he must have spent on the beach.  Under his t-shirt, she also noticed every rip of his muscles.  

What am I doing?, Josie thought, feeling a bit stupid.  TAKE HIS ORDER!, she demanded herself.

“And for you?” she asked, voice shaking as she looked at Rick.

“I’ll have the same”, he said gently, looking up at her.  For that second, she immediately got lost in those beautiful eyes.  She felt as if she had to physically pull her eyes away from him.

“Coming right up”, she said, stumbling as she moved back to wobble back to the kitchen.

Can you feel the tension come across between them?  Do you have any suggestions?

And now, I am going to tag...

Andrea Teagan at The Enchanted Writer

Suzanne Furness at The Word is...

Laura at My Baffling Brain

Laura at Stranger Than Writing

Crystal at The Heart of a Writer

Loralie Hall at Apathy's Hero

Tonja at Tonja's Musings


  1. Nice excerpt. I get a lot of good tension from Josie. In this scene it feels like Rick doesn't really notice her, she's one of his million admirers. The one sided tension is great, but you asked if I feel the tension between them, and I don't necessarily feel that. Don't be nervous. Let Josie be nervous for you. :)

  2. Woa, Rick sounds like a bit of a heart throb! I can definitely feel the tension from Josie, Rick seems to be teasing her, maybe he is more experienced than her? Tom is also obviously aware of the effect his nephew has on the girls.

    As a suggestion I think I might jig the first paragraph about a bit by putting the dialogue at the end so that Josie speaks after she has seen Rick and Tom walk in for example -

    Josie looked up as the bell rang. Tom and Rick strolled in and headed for the corner booth. Now she could see why everyone was talking about Rick. He was gorgeous. Her pulse began to race. (I like these two short sentences good impact and pace). Then follow with the "Good morning," etc.

    Anyway just a suggestion, it sounds like it is going to be an interesting story and I wonder what the lodge is they are renovating. Well done for taking the plunge and sharing, it is indeed scary. Thanks very much for the tag I will pick it up after my break if that's ok.

  3. Great excerpt, definitely some tension going on there. I agree with Michael though, it mostly appears to be coming from Josie.
    Thanks for the tag! :)

  4. My editor for my children's writing course is always telling me to watch my over use of words like, just or therefore or the word really.. She says that these words are un-necessary. Like when Tom says, "I'll just have the special." "I'll have the special," says the same thing but it's doesn't sound as wordy without the word, "just."

    Also, I love showing how my characters feel.. but my editor is always reminding me to leave that up to the readers. Like when you said, "She felt as if she had to physically pull her eyes away from him." You could say something like, "She had to physically pull her eyes away from him." This says the same thing but it allows your readers to draw their own conclusion about how she is feeling and most everyone would agree that this girl has it bad for this guy.

    Just something for you to ponder... I've started 2 different pieces.. and I'm in the same boat as you are.. LOST!!! I want it to sound good.. I want it to be real and believable and just worded perfectly! And it's driving me crazy!! LOL! But hopefully you wont have that problem for long!!

  5. Also, thank you for this award and I'd be glad to participate.. just let me get everything ready!!! Thank you for tagging me!

  6. Thank you for tagging me! I really appreciate it. Will try and find time to post if I can :) Great excerpt! I can definitely feel the tension coming from her, but there could be a little more from him, unless he hasn't noticed her properly yet? The level of tension necessary will depend on where in the story you are :)

  7. I know that guy. :) He was beautiful and made me nervous because he smiled and kept asking me questions as if he cared what I thought.

    I noticed the word 'back' is repeated in the last line.

  8. Definitely got the tension from Josie. Rick just seems a chill kinda dude...and so far, not a jerky I'm-sexy-and-I-know it chap, at least, not to me.
    Some Dark Romantic